“John-isms”, Chapter I, Section 2b

John-ism: A word created in the fertile, yet alkaline-laden soil that is the mind (read: twisted) of SpawnofJohn. Typically, these words are the combination of two existing words that when combined, form a new class of words, the “Superadjective”, that more accurately describes a physical and mental state of existence concurrently.     -Pretty fucking convenient, isn’t it?

  

• Bewildernessed: (Bee-will-der’-nusd’ *base words: wilderness, bewildered)  -The combined act of finding oneself in a remote location (often a heavily      forested area) and realizing that you are so drunk that you don’t even know your own name. Often happens the second day of a campout due to blood-alcohol saturation.

 

• Ecognomics: (Ek-a’-nome-iks’ *base words: economics, gnome) -The branch of social science that deals with the production, distribution and consumption of lawn gnomes. 

 

• Fuckstrated (Fuk’stra’ted *base words: fornicate -slang for, frustrated) -A specific state of anxiety attributed to an individual’s lack of sexual relations.

 

• Napsterbation (Naps’-tur’-bay’-shun’ *base words: nap, masturbation) self-explanatory and a great way to spend a lazy afternoon.

 

• Impossimule (em’-pos’-a-mu’-l *base words: impossible, mule) -When someone is not only difficult to deal with, but also a complete and total stubborn jack-ass.

 

• Skankxious (Skank’-shush *base words: anxious, promiscuous -slang for) -The act of a person, typically unfairly attributed to a female, that hastily initiates sexual relations with a person not well-known to them.

 

• Asshamed (Ass-shame-d’ *base words: ashamed, buttocks -slang for) -The act of not feeling good about how your butt looks in the particular jeans you happen to be wearing. Often occurs during accidental glimpses of one’s posterior while walking away from large store front windows at an acute angle.

 

• Gigantit (Jie’-gan-tit *base words: gigantic, breast -slang for) -Any female breast requiring a brassière larger than a DD cup.

 

• Bitther (Bit-her *base words: bitter, her) -A specifically female state of being sharply unpleasant.

 

• Obnoxicated (ob-nocks-a’-kate-ed’ *base words: obnoxious, intoxicated) -Being so drunk that your actions repel everyone in a room, including those that you don’t even make direct contact with. Often occurs at holiday parties and with very few exceptions is likely to be demonstrated by a male in their mid-twenties through mid-fourties.

 

• Significunt (Sig-niff-a’-kunt *base words: significant, vagina -slang for) -A female from one’s past who’s actions or behaviors drastically affected the subject’s well-being or who treated the subject in a grossly careless or harmful manner.

 

• Discreetion (Dis-kre-shon *base words: discretion, secretion) -A substance or stain on any garment or linen whose origin one may feel hesitant to bring to light.

 

• Prostatoot (Pross-ta-toot *base words: prostrate, toot) -An extremely horrific episode of flatulence that originates deep within one’s bowels. Often wielded as a show of stature by older, patriarchical males while traveling with lesser males in the enclosed confines of an automobile. An olfactory symbol of one’s rank and dominance within a particular social group of men.

 

• Hangry (Hang-gree *base words: hungry, angry) -A state of being easily upset for little reason due to being overly hungry. Often exhibited by both males and females in office settings between 10:00 am and 12:00 pm and by males on major holidays and during bowl parties.

 

• Mrsappropriate (Miss -a’-prope-pre-ate *base words: Mrs., appropriate) -The misuse of general household moneys to the fund the aquisition of absurd quantities of throw pillows, impractical shoes that will be only worn on a single occasion and large, hand-carved pieces of furniture that require a minimum of five grown-men and a boy to move.

 

Discarding emotional binds

 

I am going to shift gears a bit and share with you parts of myself that few people know.

Some of my close friends will already know much of this about me, but it may come as a surprise to others that don’t know me as well as they may think. Beyond the outer layer of the tattooed-ex-motorcyle racer-highly-opinionated-alpha-type that I am usually conveniently classified as, is an introspective, soulful and emotionally connected man that sees, feels and breaths every molecule of the people and spaces around me.

A lot of those qualities have always been “me”, but wearing it so easily on my outside has not.  One individual -and the events of the last four years of my tumultuous marriage to her -forever changed who I am as a person, and for that I am ever thankful.

I hesitate to share the gory details of those last four years, but will admit that every part of my being was crushed to cinder by her -the one person in the world that I thought would hold it -and me, as special. As precious. Be my co-protector. But she did not do any of these. I’m still not sure if it was a choice she made or if she just truly wasn’t capable of it. And as such, during my time with her I was forced by the nature of the relationship to confront myself. To bare myself to the core. To find what I was made of, to find who I was. I would get this opportunity often, as time would prove again and again that at any moment I could be forced to be the thread that held our entire world together as it dangled precariously over the abyss of her irrational behaviour, of her skewed reality, of her emotional illness.

During this time, I not only learned a great deal about myself, but I learned a lot about love and about what is important to me in this life. I learned that I have the ability to love -with no expectation of receiving anything in return. To me, that is the very definition of love; Love is not about how another makes you feel, love is the care you feel for another, love is supporting their greater good. I learned that I have a capacity to love that is far bigger than I ever imagined. I loved when I did not have to. I loved when with everything she did, others asked why I didn’t just throw my hands up in the air and walk away, save myself. But I decided to love her in spite of herself and for that, I am ever thankful. For that, I feel that I came to understand how capable I am of loving another.

Her actions broke my very being, shattered my outer shell and what I found inside was the most incredible gift I have ever been given; The ability to express love -without fear. I soon made the decision that, no matter what, I would “love like I didn’t care if I got hurt”. I decided that I didn’t need to wait for a “perfect” or “better” relationship to start loving in the way that I wanted to love -I would do it now! So each day, no matter how badly her words or actions stung me, I would accept her for her. I would accept her behaviours as her.  I made a point daily to walk up to her, embrace her, look directly into her eyes and simply say “I love you”. Somedays I felt like it mattered to her, I felt that she cared that I loved her, but most days I knew that it was nothing more than words to her. Through this daily routine I came to understand that it didn’t matter if she felt what I was saying -I did, and that’s all that mattered! I gave myself permission to own my emotions -irregardless of her reaction. Irregardless of opening my self up to her hurting me yet another time. It made me feel whole, it made me feel free! And every day since that day that I gave myself permission to own my own emotions I have lived closer to my center than I ever have lived before. For that, I am ever thankful.

These things that I learned have changed forever who I am and how I express myself to others. Never again will I let my love or care for another be quited by my own fear to honestly express my own emotions -if I feel it, I say it, and with this I have come to understand that the greatest gift I can give those that I love is to express to them directly that I love them. That I cannot expect those that are loved by me to just know that I love them. I have to express it. With this in mind, and to each of you that I care for and love; 

I love you.

SoJ

Tip-toeing through the MINEFIELD of love

I thought it would be interesting to share some of my post-divorce dating experiences prior to my meeting my sweet lil’ Kimmy. I did meet and enjoy the company of many women that I found to be nice, intelligent and overall really great people………….but not all puzzle pieces fit together and I politely, and with all due care, gently released them back into the dating world (and was myself released on occasion, lol.).  With that said, I also know that I “dodged the bullet” on several occasions as well, lol.

These, are those stories. But before I go on, and before anyone gets their dander up or accuses me of treating anyone with anything other than respect let me say that the intent of this post is not to put-down or poke fun at any one individual. That is not my intent here, but in dating we do take the risk of running into all kinds of people while we are putting ourselves out there and if we can’t laugh at (and hopefully learn from!) our experiences then what is the point of it all?

I have decided to (at the risk of coming off as an ass) include unidentifiable pictures along with this post for two reasons; First, it helps paint a better story -If I was telling you about a weekend trip to the Grand Canyon, I would surely include a picture of a giant hole in the ground, lol. The women are all a part of my story and I want to share that with you as accurately as I can. Secondly, I feel that many of us, and from listening to many of my close female friends -especially you ladies, often find ourselves thinking “If I only had a better body” or “If I only looked a little better”, etc, that our dating success would be higher. Well, I think this can be proven to not be the case, to say the least. 

Now that I have the moral disclaimer out of the way, I’ll get down to the gory details, lol.

Name: J##     

Dating Type: The classic “bunny boiler”:

Ohhhh J#16, what a piece of work she ended up being! She was a sweet, charming, possessive, insanely jealous SoCal girl that ended up in AZ via the People’s Republic of Texas and a bitter divorce from a national exec. that upgraded to a younger model still in here twenties. I actually had a lot of empathy for her damage, but I had made the decision after my divorce to get out of the damsel rescuing business for good (and I really meant it this time, lol!).  J## could never-ever get enough attention, had horribly low self-esteem and spent a fair amount of time asking me if I thought she was pretty, or if I found her to be sexy. J## was way to much like my ex-wife (The Darkness, lol.) and that is not a road I ever wish to travel again. After we where “done” dating, she started a serious cyber stalking campaign directed at me and I could tell that it was not her first rodeo. I have to give her her due for that. Expert level manipulator this girl. After months of no contact, she ultimately re-connected with me with an offer of sex in exchange for new a new living room set -which I fondly referred to as the “Coochie for Couches” program (brilliant marketing, btw.). I passed, but I am sure that there were several men waiting outside of Rob and Stucky that same morning with their credit card in one hand and their dick in the other.  I still get a random  text from her now and again. I don’t reply -ever. It has only been safe for me to let my cat out in the backyard 60 days or so and there is no need risking The Honorable Chairman Chin Lao’s life unnecessarily, lol.

 

Name: K8     

Dating Type: The “shocker”:

K8 was an incredibly intelligent woman, vivacious, funny. Supposedly made her living doing local modeling (is there really such a thing?). Ended up telling me, very casually over dinner on our second date, that she really made her living as a foot-fetish sex worker. **Gulp** I almost swallowed my fork. Now I am all for people honoring their own bents, but that was a little too bendy for even my tastes. Good luck with that K8.

 

 

 

 

Name: A^     

Dating Type: The “Cheater”:

A^ and I only had one date -a fast 1-hour, “coffee/check-each-other-out” type of date that is so popular these days. A few days after our date, she admitted to me that she was unhappily married and was interested in having a man on the side for a committed, monogamous AFFAIR. No thank you A^ -I hope your tits fall off and that your husband, who was probably slaving away at the office at the very moment you drank coffee with me kicks your skanky-ass to the curb, has a watertight pre-nup and a lawyer who has to have his suits custom tailored to allow his dorsal fin to stick out of the back of his jacket.

Name: R**

Dating Type: ”Stage 5 Clinger”:

R** was as about as scary as they come. I went on one date with her, which I think somehow misconstrued to her that we would soon get married, move to a small town and she would go back to school and run the PTA in her free time. She called me later in the week after our one and only date and told me that she couldn’t get a sitter for the following weekend (I hadn’t asked her out again) but she was willing to just drive across town, bring her children and make a weekend out of it. This is a good example of why we should always meet new people far, far away from our homes, lol.

Name: B4

Dating Type: The “Cake-eater”:

B4 had a boyfriend even B4 our first date. I did not know this. Late in the morning following our third date, my cell phone rang:

SpawnofJohn: “Hello?”

caller: “Hi. Who’s this?”

SpawnofJohn: “Ahhhh, you’re the one calling. Who are you?”

caller: “Your number is in my girlfriend’s phone.”

SpawnofJohn: “What’s your girlfriend’s name?”

caller: “B4″

SpawnofJohn: “Well I don’t know what to tell you.”

caller: “I think she’s cheating on me with other guys.”

SpawnofJohn: “Lol, yeah -I’m thinkin’ you’re probably right, buddy.”

caller: “Fuuuucking bitch. God, I’m so sick of this shit!”

SpawnofJohn: “People do crazy shit man.”

call ends.

Name: T2

Dating Type: The “Unicorn”:

I should have taken the graffiti on the rock seriously. I’ll just simply leave it at that.

In the end, I have to say that we should appreciate the experience offered by dating people that don’t “fit us” if for no other reason than having a frame of reference to appreciate it when we find the one that does. Be careful out there, it’s a crazy, crazy world!

Random thoughts that I have had lately

While you are sleeping at night, I am solving all of the world’s problems that don’t need to be solved and thinking of things that don’t really need to be thought of. Here are some of those thoughts.

1. Gay men are very fortunate that evolution has not yet placed tastebuds on the penis.

2. The T-rex was the angriest dinosaur because it’s arms were too short for it to masturbate.

3. During the holidays, I question the intentions of any middle-aged woman that comes out of Hickory Farms with sausage, but no cheese.

4.  It is IMPOSSIBLE not to be happy while eating a cupcake. 

5.  Mother nature isn’t just a mother -she’s an angry, conniving bitch with a chip on her shoulder.

6.  Single-women want to be wives and wives want to be single-women. From the dawn of time it has been this way and I don’t see it ever changing.

7. With the planet “shrinking” from mass-globalization, I often fear that Koala bears risk being date-raped by larger, more aggressive bears from other continents.

8.  I have yet to find any leprechaun porn on the internet -I think someone has completely missed the boat here.

9. The most important thing to others is that you smell good and like them -everything else is downhill from that point.

10. A woman of any age is still that awkward, self-defeating 16 year-old girl on the inside. Ask her to prom or make her a “mix tape” every once in a while and she will more than likely ask you to fuck her in the back of the car on the way home from a movie.

11. It is far safer to hate than love, that’s why the world is so ugly.

12.  Free-range chickens don’t have the capacity to even begin to comprehend that they are free-range chickens, making this whole movement more about us than it is about the chickens -are we really this stupid? I think that the world (and the chickens!) would be far better off it we just ate the hippygurlz that propogate this shit.

13. If I had two dicks, I wouldn’t get anything done. Ever.

………….and speaking of which…………………..

SoJ

an introduction……

I have always been told that I should:

1. Be a standup comedian

2. A writer for Seinfield (Okay, so that was a while back)

3. Write a book (about dating/my previous marriage to a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder/a single-guy’s cookbook/a sex manual for men.)

4. Be a counselor.

5. Write a relationship column for Maxim Magazine.

6. Go stick it up my ass.

I have researched my options and have decided to write this blog instead of the picking from one of the above suggestions and maybe only because no one told me exactly what it was that they wish I would stick up my ass! That seems so much easier than writing a blog, but I will push through anyway my friends.

So with the overall theme of the suggestions being fairly broad I plan on touching on many subjects that I feel that I have expertise or at least a good working knowledge base of in which to share in hope of the benefitting others.  Let me start out by saying that the following things, I hold as truths and as such will use them for individual subjects at later dates. Let’s keep the list short and only include 10 topics:

1. Blow jobs are like chimichangas:  NO such thing as a bad one -but some are better than others.

2. The problem with dating is that we are too scared to truly love in the first place.

3. Masterbation + napping  =”Napsterbation”…………….and he saw that this was good.

4. Do you wonder what wines go well with a microwave burrito? I have you covered!

5. Women: the other white meat (no, we don’t really intend to cook and eat them).

6. Control? You foo’, you can’t control anything in this crazy world, so quit trying.

7. Our friend the G-spot: Okay, so you found it. Now, what the hell are you goint to do with it?

8. Be a Man! Seriously, if you act like your her girlfriend, she’ll fantisize about your pool guy.

9. Sluts: A term of endearment once you understand that she likes sex as much as you do.

10. Emotional openess: Okay, you can lift heavy things but are you strong enough to be soft?

11. There are some very important words missing from your vocabulary: I will add them.

That’s it for now kids, check back soon when I actually have something for you to read.

SoJ